The 10 worst Gossip Girl plot points ever

I guess that means it’s all over now”

– Blair Waldorf
New York, I Love You, XOXO
Gossip Girl Series Finale, Season 6, Episode 10

Indeed it is. It’s over. Gossip Girl was at times brilliant and at times so bad I wondered, out loud, why I kept watching this crapfest. Well, I knew why. For one, I’ve learned to love these witty (mostly Chuck and Blair), stupid (mostly Nate and Serena), crazy (ALL of them, but most especially Georgina) kids. For another, I watched so that I could participate and relate to the NYMag.com recaps and recaps of the recaps (ROTR), where the awesome Chris and Jess and the equally hilarious fans call out the show on what’s realistic and brilliant and what’s faker and more ridiculous than Serena getting into Brown (I swear, the CW owes Chris and Jess something, since the recaps and the ROTR were the ONLY reasons A LOT of us still put up with GG).

And while I will admit that some of the more ridiculous plot points were at least entertaining (i.e. anything involving Georgina Sparks), a lot of them were just downright throw-my-remote-at-the-TV ridiculous and pointless. Yes, I know, part of watching a TV show is suspending disbelief, but a line has to be drawn at some point. And while I’m unclear to where exactly where that line is when it comes to Gossip Girl, I do know that the writers have crossed that line many, many times.

And so here’s my rundown of the most bewildering, most senseless Gossip Girl plot lines. And it’s no coincidence that a lot of them come from seasons 4 through 6.

10 – The high class brothels – There were two in the entire six seasons of GG and, for the life of me, I still can’t figure out what was the point of them both. Both of them had to do with Bart. Bart was a member of one before the first time he died, and he was apparently hiding in one while being fake dead. And I can’t believe I actually wrote that sentence down.

9 – This thing called college – I get Serena not going to college. But Blair? And Dan? The writers tried it for two seasons, and actually made a huge deal out of Blair transferring from NYU to Columbia. Then in season 5, I don’t think anyone ever really mentioned school again. Would’ve it been to hard to have Blair mention at least once that she had a paper due, Nate to say that he skipped class (because, come on, it is Nate) or have Dan be insufferable about some European literature class he was taking? I know that it would’ve been difficult trying to fit in an actual education into the social calendars of these UES-ers, but Blair, at least, had big Anna Wintour/Indra Nooyi aspirations. I think even Blair knew that she needed more than headbands of power and minions to make those dreams come true.

8 – Dair – Now hold on, Dair fans, before you get all riled up and accuse me of being a Chair fantard. I actually liked the initial build up to Dair, where they started hanging out a lot together and it was revealed that these two actually shared a lot of interests: basically snooty art, movies and literature, things that neither of their main flames really showed an interest in. Chuck, maybe. But Serena, definitely not. And Dan and Blair’s budding closeness was carefully handled by the writers over a few episodes, a rarity in the GG world, wherein plots are started and dropped faster than you can say “Colin” (“Colin, who?” you say? I rest my case.). But then, all that careful buildup was for naught. Just when the GG writers seemed to have handled something well, they go ahead and mess it up. When Blair and Dan finally do get into a relationship, it seems forced, on Blair’s side, especially, and the closeness that they shared was missing. It surely doesn’t help things when Dan lets himself get manipulated by Serena into cheating on Blair. In season 6, he attempts to win Blair back and then, a few episodes after, declares his undying love for Serena. So what the heck was the point of Dair, then?

7 – Blair’s dowry – Since when was Gossip Girl set in the 16th century? And Blair has TWO lawyer dads, and we were led to believe that Cyrus, at least, was a pretty powerful one. Besides, this is Blair we’re talking about, I bet she has her minions under confidentiality agreements tighter than Katie Holmes’ divorce settlement. Her prenup, even if it was with a prince, would have been ironclad. It sure as hell would not have included a clause that would bankrupt her family in case of an early divorce/annulment.

6 – Blair’s pregnancy – Yep, the writers used a fetus as a plot device for the Louis vs Chuck vs Dan dilemma for Blair. They then proceeded to kill off the said fetus and no one, not even Blair, really mourned its loss, heck, no one even mentions it past the episode after C&B’s Princess Diana-esque (that was all sorts of wrong, too, by the way) accident. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that that was a low point for Gossip Girl and its writers.

5 – Pretty much everything Blair did after season 4 – And I’m just not talking about her very out-of-character wedding dress and hair. I’m talking about, well, Dair for one thing. And then there was scheme after scheme blowing up on her face. The Blair of S5 and S6 was not the same girl who got rid of Georgina Sparks by having Vanya the doorman pretend to be a prince from Belarus. No, in season 6, Blair was outsmarted by teenaged Sage, of all people, and was practically begging for Nelly Yuki’s good opinion. It was like Blair was lobotomized. Or switched bodies with Serena. Heck, I would’ve believed that explanation for Blair’s sometimes-pathetic behavior. I’ve believed worse from the GG writers.

4 – How Bart Bass died – First of all, the music. I felt like I was watching those old live-action Batman shows. What the hell? And really, he falls off a roof? And Chuck and Blair just watched him dangle there? Even though Chuck hated Bart, I’m sure the guilt of not even attempting to save his own father from a gruesome death cost him a fortune in therapy. Or, this being Chuck Bass, in scotch. Overall, it just feels lazy on the writers’ part to have Bart defeated by… *drum roll please*… gravity. That was all it was going to take, after all the build up and ridiculousness of…

3 – Embargoed oil, horses, microfilm, paintings, drownings, plane crashes and whaaaaa?!? – Apparently Bart Bass faked his death because he was about to get caught for illegally buying oil from the Sudan and covering it up with purchases of the Sheik’s horses. He then inexplicably kept proof of his illegal transactions. In microfilm. Behind a painting. Like in the movie Traffic. WHAT?!? Then down the road, we find out that Bart somehow managed to have Bruce Caplan (whoever he is) drowned after lending him a Bass yacht but Sage somehow got her underaged hands on this guy’s phone. Bart also tried to have Chuck killed by crashing his private plane, which Chuck inexplicably managed to escape (via parachute? Magic Carpet? We will never know). What the heck, writers? And not only did we have to sit through that crap, in hindsight, it turns out that all that was useless because Bart. Falls. Off. A. Roof. Uggggggh. Seriously.

2 – Scott, the forgotten Rhodes-Humphrey child – The fans haven’t forgotten about Scott, one-time admirer of Vanessa’s, but apparently, his parents, Rufus and Lily, and gaggle of half-siblings (Serena, Eric, Dan, Jenny and Chuck, too, since Lily adopted him) seemed to have forgotten he existed. No, Stephanie Savage, we didn’t need to actually see him in the show, but how hard would’ve been to have his BIOLOGICAL parents say his name at least once a season to explain his absence in family events and holidays? Couldn’t Lily have said something like, “Oh, Scott would’ve loved to be here for Thanksgiving but he was too busy untangling Vanessa’s extensions for her.” Was that too much to ask?

1 – The whole thing about Chuck’s mother – WHO THE HELL IS CHUCK’S MOTHER? You can’t ask a question, draw out the plot across two seasons (3 and 6), dangle the possibility that Jack Bass was Chuck’s father, or that, uggggh, Diana Payne was his mother (although Nate ending up as Chuck’s stepdad would’ve been hilarious) and not answer the damn question. WHO THE HELL IS CHUCK’S MOTHER? WHO? WHO? *shakes fist to the air*

There are other things that didn’t make it to this list such as William VDW giving Lily fake cancer, the Thorpes and Fleur Eva, to name a few. But despite all the ridiculous, out of character, unrealistic (even for the CW) scenarios and missed opportunities, loyal fans and NYMag commenters still watched and looked forward to the episodes, so the people behind Gossip Girl must have done something right.

They after all got Mayor Bloomberg to do a cameo (and he thought GG was Dorota!), gave Ivy the title “The Queen of the Swamp People”, had Jack and Georgina end up in a match made in scheming heaven (or hell, depending on which side of the scheme your on) and, most importantly made THIS happen:

chuck blair

Plus, they’ve managed to ensure that we’ll all watch the Gossip Girl reruns/buy the DVD boxed sets to analyze Dan’s every move now that we know he was Gossip Girl.

So the writers and Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage were not all that bad, I must admit.

But still.

WHO THE HELL IS CHUCK’S MOTHER? WHO? WHO? *shakes fist to the air*

What do you think was the most ridiculous plot the Gossip Girl writers put together? Did I miss anything big? I would love to know your thoughts on that and the finale, too! Let me know in the comments!

Photo is from here but is obviously from The CW.

Advertisements

Why I think Blair Waldorf and Lady Mary Crawley might be the same person

Ok, obviously, not exactly the same person. But if Blair Waldorf is not some reincarnation of Lady Mary, then she’s probably a descendant of hers. I’d like to think some scandal-stained granddaughter of Lady Mary had to be shipped off to New York to find a husband as no one in England would have her and ended up a Waldorf and Blair’s grandmother. Or something.

And while Julian Fellowes will probably not appreciate my comparing his award-winning Downton Abbey to the now-crappy Gossip Girl, Lady Mary’s and Blair’s lives have too many parallels for me to ignore (oh, and SPOILER ALERT):

They are both cold, scheming b*tches: Let’s get the obvious out of the way, shall we? If there’s anything that these Queen Bees have in common, it’s their icy demeanor and their ability to out-scheme those in the way of their objectives. Yes, Season 5 Blair is waaaaaaaay off her game, but who could forget her legendary take-down of Georgina Sparks who ends up in Russia as a result? The genius of that is only equaled by the way Lady Mary scares off Lady Edith’s ancient suitor from proposing at the garden party.

For these two, wealth and status is everything: These two have been used to a certain lifestyle and distinction and they are hell bent to keep both. Mary was willing to wed ridiculously wealthy and powerful newspaper magnate Carlisle even if the way Carlisle shows he cares was to bribe her maid to spy on her and forcibly kiss her while she was pinned against a wall. Blair, on the other hand, even had a caste system on who got to sit on which steps at the Met while they ate yogurt. Girl has a class system for breakfast time.

They both have annoying, dumb blonds in their lives: Granted, Lady Edith is no Serena Van Der Boobsen, but physical beauty aside, Serena could probably have descended from Edith as well. Both seem to have a thing for older men (S’s boarding school teacher, Lord Strallan for Lady Edith), had inappropriate trysts with married men (Tripp Archibald for S, the farmer for Edith), were duped by con men (the Armie Hammer character for S, Patrick/Peter Gordon for Edith) and both have found themselves outplayed by Lady Mary or Blair in the game of scheming and plotting. Obviously, both are not the brightest crayon in the box. Both Edith and Serena also have love-hate relationships with Mary and Blair respectively, although, admittedly, it’s hate that dominates between the Crawley sisters.

They have soft spots for the help: While both Blair and Mary’s worlds are governed by the strict rules of class which both hold so dearly, they both show kindness and concern for the people “downstairs”, so to speak. Yes, Blair snaps at Dorota at times and Mary was ruthless to Carson when he decided not join her at her prospective new household, but, deep inside, these two would do anything for their faithful and trusted servants. Lady Mary made sure footman William was able to see his mother one last time before she passed and also helped her maid Anna with the whole Mr. Bates fiasco, even secretly letting the two use a guest room for their wedding night. Blair, on the other hand, practically considers Dorota her mother, and the scene between the two of them before Dorota’s wedding (where Blair was maid of honor) is probably one of the most touching in Gossip Girl history. Plus, Dorota is the only person Blair would ever consider going to Queens for, and that’s huge for this UES princess.

Blair has Chuck, Mary has Matthew: And, really, could you think of more cursed pairings in the TV world? At least once, someone in each coupling screwed the other one over money (Blair got pimped out to Uncle Jack for Chuck’s hotel, Matthew & Mary’s engagement was derailed by the prospect of an heir apparent baby brother for Mary). Also, someone in each pair also gave ridiculous, illogical reasons for them to not be together. There was Blair’s ridiculous “pact” with God to marry Printh Louiiiiis in exchange for Chuck’s life and Matthew’s “we killed Lavinia” speech after the funeral. Gosh, these people could be such idiots sometimes. Despite all the pain and stupidity these four people inflict on one another, though, we do know that Chair and M&M are the endgame and, that, if the writers of these shows know what’s good for them, these four will end up together (let’s stop pretending that Dair is even a thing, please). Matthew and Mary seem well on their way to happiness after the snowy proposal in the Christmas special, but as any real fan knows, another fake Patrick Crawley/bout of penis paralysis/Lady Cora pregnancy is probably just around the corner to ruin things. Again.

Those eyes. SO. MUCH. DRAMA: I suppose this has more to do with the actors that play them, rather than the characters themselves. But, really, if ever there was a course on Eye Acting, Leighton Meester and Michelle Dockerty would be teaching them. These two are absolute masters of conveying the most complex emotions with a shift of a glance, the widening of the eyes or the raising of an eyebrow. All this while the rest of their face is doing something completely different. And don’t even get me started on their trademark move: their eyes start to tear up, but they manage to keep it under control until that moment where Chuck/Matthew turn away and a sole teardrop just rolls down their cheek at the right moment. So. Awesome.

If you don’t believe me, then see for yourself. Below are two scenes where Leighton and Michelle (and their eyes) are at their finest (note: both epic scenes are in train stations! More proof!!!!):

Skip ahead to 2:05

 And so there you have it. Almost a thousand words trying to convince you that two TV characters from separate TV shows from different writers from different countries are related. Hahaha. But ridiculousness of this post aside, I love these two characters and the actors who play them (although admittedly, I’ve been loving Blair a lot less lately because S5 Blair is acting like a lobotomized version of the Blair of seasons past). I think they’re brilliantly written (well, Blair WAS). It’s a testament to the writers and to Leighton and Michelle how one minute, I feel like slapping them when they’re being particularly ruthless/shallow and then I feel like hugging them and coming to their rescue the next.

Gosh, I love these crazy, fictional b*tches, whether they are related to each or not. But it would be so awesome if they were, no? And it would explain a lot, including Blair’s taste for fancy headgear.

Please click on the images for their sources

Gossip Girl (writers), we need to talk

Look, I’ve already let you get away with A LOT of things.

Chuck pimping Blair to his douchey uncle for a hotel. Rufus and Lily completely forgetting their son in Boston exists. You forgetting that the characters should actually still be in school. Serena getting into freakin’ Brown. Vanessa’s existence (the wardrobe I blame on Eric Daman). And for even suggesting DAIR was a possibility.

And then this season started. I have only seen one full episode this season, and part of the reason I saw it was to see Blair wear Mich Dulce’s hat in her bridesmaid tryouts. The whole Blair pregnancy is just… wrong. Really? That’s what you’ve got planned for Blair all along, to be knocked up by 20/21? Pants-averse Jenny Humphrey is somewhere un-preggo but the Queen Bee has a bun in the oven?

I was convinced that the you guys have lost it, that you don’t know your audience (although the brief exploration of Dair proved that already) but I still had to admit I was curious how you’ll play the whole pregnancy story out. So I still had a vague interest in the show.

But then I saw this and am now considering boycotting the show for good:

Don’t you know Blair at all?!?! I’d think you would because, you know, you created her. But if you did, you would know that:

  • She would never wear that gown. Even the girl’s DREAMS are impeccably styled, for cryin’ out loud and therefore she would never wear an unimaginative, uninspired wedding gown. Especially not one by the same designer as Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress. Blair wouldn’t even wear this dress if she was marrying Dan Humphrey, much less to her own ROYAL WEDDING to the heir to the Monegasque throne. You know, Grace Kelly’s grandson? No. Just, no.
  • That hair is just atrocious. As loathe as I am to say it, it’s reminiscent of Jenny “Release the Kracken” Humphrey. And Blair would rather ship Dorota back to Poland first before she wears/does something that would be associated with Jenny. Limp curls and split ends have no place in Blair’s life and they definitely don’t have a place in her royal wedding.
  • No way in hell will the wedding be held in a place other than Monaco. This is Blair, GG writers, and she will never pass up a chance to (1) honor tradition and (2) rub it in people’s faces that her life is better than everyone else’s. So of course she would have her wedding in the palace at Monte Carlo complete with those costumed flower girls. She would NOT have it at some random street in NYC that they didn’t even manage to cordon off. I mean, come on, there are other cars parked along the street and pedestrians! Pedestrians! The horror.

So unless this is a dream sequence AND Blair does end up with Chuck and not the lispy prince Louis after all, I’m swearing off Gossip Girl for good. Not when you, the writers and your colleagues (costume designer, hair & makeup) can do this to their best character on the show (they can do whatever they want with Serena).

But *sigh* who am I kidding? I’m still gonna watch.

Photos by Jackson Lee/Splash News via NYMag.com

If it’s good enough for Ms. Blair Waldorf…

It should be good enough for us, no?

While this entry is mainly to further convince you of the delights of Pierre Hermé and Laduree (if my brilliant writing hasn’t done that yet already), I am also using this as an excuse to post pictures of the rightful king and queen of the UES.

Blair: Why aren’t you in Europe?

Chuck: I was in Paris I was only to get your favorite macarons from Pierre Hermé.

– From “The Goodbye Gossip Girl”, Gossip Girl Season 2 Finale

“You were right. I was a coward running away again. Everywhere I went, you caught up with me. I had to come back.”

In the Season 4 priemere, S & B go to Paris to mend their broken hearts and fill up on Laduree macarons.

See! They’re so good, S & B had to make an exception from their no-carb diets!

And I need to squeeze one more lovely picture in:

Just as everything should be

I can’t wait for the GG Season premiere!

Photos from justjared.com and bauergriffin.com